[GronounoursParticipant]

In spite of their hateful and racist nature and although they would never admit it, I know Nbadraft.net readers love to hear about the future Greek basketball stars. You don’t deserve it, but here is the in-depth scouting report of the 2 brothers I mentioned yesterday: Anselmodoulos Varmandilis and Herodoto Pankalamfous.

I guess you American scumbags are wondering “how can they be brothers if they don’t even have the same surname? Is that some kind of absurd Greek peculiarity?” Actually, they do have the same surname, which is Antanikipoulofkaristeantoniou. Anselmodoulos Varmandilis and Herodoto Pankalamfous are their first and middle names, and that’s how they are known in Greece. Now shut up and listen.

These twin brothers are 6 (Anselmodoulos Varmandilis) and 7 years old (Herodoto Pankalamfous). Before you ask a stupid Yankee question, the age difference is due to the fact that Greek women are so indolent (American haters would say “lazy”, but then Americans are heinous people) that they don’t usually deliver both children at once in case of twinning. For obvious anatomical reasons which their mother endeavored to explain to me at great length (see pictures attached), Herodoto Pankalamfous, a wiry point guard, preceded Anselmodoulos Varmandilis, a powerfully built center.

But enough family nonsense.

Herodoto Pankalamfous
Best case scenario: Karalaos Antinoous (when he was playing in Neokhorion). Worst case scenario: More versatile Oscar Robertson

So let’s start with the firstborn. Herodoto Pankalamfous is considered in Greece, and even is some regions of Macedonia, as a miraculous mix of some of the greatest Greek basketball players to ever cross the Atlantic: John Stockton, Shaquille O’Neal, Wilt Chamberlain, Allen Iverson, and Patrick Ewing (you didn’t even know they were Greek, did you, ignorant scoundrels), from whom he took, respectively, the explosive leaping ability, the handles, the 3-point shooting, the unselfishness, and the good looks. Some tweaking will be necessary before Herodoto Pankalamfous reaches his full potential, but his father assured me that his son would definitely start working on his minor flaws as soon as he gets out of jail, hopefully before the 2025 draft.

I’ll hasten to point out that, contrary to what American pussies might say, Herodoto Pankalamfous is NOT a violent kid; he got carried away by his winning mindset, that’s all. Anyway, why put 3 referees on the court if you cannot punch to death the one who repeatedly whistles for non-existents fouls? I’m just asking.

And now the real marvel of the Antanikipoulofkaristeantoniou family.

Anselmodoulos Varmandilis
Best case: Kalexandristeo Papagolistofilè. Worst case: rich man’s Hakeem Olajuwon

Anselmodoulos Varmandilis is a big man; and when a say “big”, I mean it. Recall Sofoklis Schortsanitis, the superstar that almost led the Clippers to their first Summer League title? Well, Anselmodoulos Varmandilis dwarfs this guy, who anyway was considered a slightly undersized shooting guard here in Greece. It’s hard to deny that Anselmodoulos Varmandilis carries a bit of baby fat at the moment (Americans would probably say he’s a wobbling, disgusting walrus, but let me remind them that obesity was invented in the US and became a way of life there), but what are 150 excess pounds in today’s austerity-stricken Greece, where the price of dog and cat meat is skyrocketing? They will be shed in no time.

Standing at 7 feet 4 and weighing 475 pounds, Anselmodoulos Varmandilis is of course a massive presence in the paint, but he is more than that, as he likes to hang on the perimeter to show off his skills. Currently, due to mobility problems, Anselmodoulos Varmandilis plays exclusively on offense in the first half, then exclusively on defense in the second; at half-time, he remains on the court and is fed some pizzas.

I had the opportunity to attend a practice of his team, the Orchomenos Beoetian Poodles. Anselmodoulos Varmandilis can dribble in straight line with both hands, sometimes with the ball. He can shoot the 3, too, although the rim has proven downright racist so far this season. His free-throw shooting is so reliable that he can’t wait to provoke his first foul in order to put this facet of his skill set into practice. On defense, he relies mostly on slapping his opponent in the face and grabbing his nuts, a scrappy style of play authorized and even recommended in the Greek Basketball League (and in Greek society in general), but which might not translate at the next level.

For evident reasons, no statistics are available for Herodoto Pankalamfous (the referee incident occurred in the first quarter of his first official game), but here are the per-237 minutes figures for his brother in the South-East Beoetian B League, reserved to kids with light to moderate behavioral problems:

0.18 PTS, 0.09 RBDS, 0.0004 AS, 0.003 ST, 0,0076 BK, and 47,12 TO.

I politely asked Anselmodoulos Varmandilis whether he was a bit turnover prone. After a good deal of face slapping and nuts grabbing, he convinced me that his teammates still don’t quite understand his dazzling passing ability. And as if these numbers weren’t gaudy enough, Anselmodoulos Varmandilis logged his first triple-single last month in a game against the Kiriakian Institute for Neuromotor Diseases’ team, when he recorded 2 points, 1 rebound, and 1 block, all career highs; he also deflected a pass, which went out of bounds.

Last night, before leaving the idyllic little town of Orchomenos (“Little testicle” in the local language), I chatted with Anselmodoulos Varmandilis and Herodoto Pankalamfous’ father, Xenofontis Hadzistavros. Here is what he told me:

“In any decent country, Anselmodoulos Varmandilis and Herodoto Pankalamfous would be the consensus top picks of the 2025 and 2026 drafts. But we are talking about the NBA here. America is a land full of bastards so racist that they hate our Great Civilization, and so stupid that they hate themselves without even knowing it. I would never, ever, send my kids to the States if it weren’t for the billion dollars they are bound to make there. I don’t want to sound offensive, though. We Greek people are respectful to a fault; I’d like those pieces of sh*t to understand our Greatness, nothing more.”

I could only acquiesce.

That’s it for today, urchins.

[BenchWarmerParticipant]

These players should be drafted. You fucking racist PIECES OF SHIT! Fuck all off you! RACIST JUST CAUSE HE’S GREEEK.!!

[rileymcshea3Participant]

Did the Greece basketball team even play in the Olympics

[Ny2daDeathOFmeParticipant]

Is this a serious post or are you just trolling??? Lmaoo wth is going on on nbadraft.net

[mcbaileyParticipant]

All you need to do is read it to know if he’s joking or not.

[Ny2daDeathOFmeParticipant]

After reading the age of the “brothers” I just stop reading. I thought it was another Greek player rant by crazy ass euro baller lol this was funny though

[IndianaBasketballParticipant]

Antanikipoulofkaristeantoniou

Lmao

[Mr. ChicagoParticipant]

I laughed out loud at my computer at this quote:

“For evident reasons, no statistics are available for Herodoto Pankalamfous (the referee incident occurred in the first quarter of his first official game), but here are the per-237 minutes figures for his brother in the South-East Beoetian B League, reserved to kids with light to moderate behavioral problems:”

The league reserved for “kids with light to moderate behavioral problems.” HAHA!

[WolfRobParticipant]

This was seriously one of the funniest posts ever!!
Everyone needs to +1 lol

[WolfRobParticipant]

This was seriously one of the funniest posts ever!!
Everyone needs to +1 lol

[Jean_31Participant]

Hahahaha I like the comparaisons

[sheepish_moParticipant]

Lol dude your last two posts have been the funniest posts i’ve read on this site. Laughed so damn hard, amazing work!

[Krypt14Participant]

Top notch work!

[Author]

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